Sunday, January 20, 2019
My husband told me to write today. I haven't written in awhile, it's been harder to write lately. I have actually had some good days in the last month, my first days without tears, without feeling swallowed whole by grief.
Two days ago it really hit me hard again. Depression. Today I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't be around anyone. Friends invited me to a fire to look at the moon changes tonight and as much as I wanted to go I feel like I can't trust myself to keep it together.
I am told I should get out...I have had so many suggestions of things that may lift this depression. I can feel within the difference between my grief alone and depression, right now I am depressed. The thing I have realized about depression is it's like a throbbing toothache. You can go out, try to have fun but the entire time you can't stop feeling the throbbing pain. It's not diminished by any external situation or environment. Even in my sleep, I dream of the excruciating pain.
I feel like a failure. I feel like a burden. I feel tired, useless, lazy, not human. I feel unloved...unlovable. I feel like nothing.
I know all this probably seems frightening to the reader or observer but here is what I have learned. This feeling is temporary. It feels like HELL but it's not going to feel like hell forever. I just have to push through it. For me, right now, that means burning some incense, meditating, getting enough (okay, too much) sleep. It means being honest about how I am feeling. Taking care of myself means wrapping myself in a warm blanket, crying when I need to cry. It means taking as much "me time" as I need right now. Thankfully I have the support to make that possible, I realize every does not.
I may always have waves of depression. I will always grieve my son. I WILL NOT always feel this low.
I have faith that there will be beautiful, magical times again.
I believe I will see my son on the other side of the stars.
I believe that this life, as difficult as it is, will be worth living.
It's okay that I am not okay. not right now. but I will be!
You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide