Wednesday, March 20, 2019

How I clean my home when feeling Depressed



The first month of grief I went to my (then) therapist and told her that I felt like doing nothing. I was depressed, I didn't want to get out of bed and my house started to get messy, the messier the house got, the worse I felt. I made these big lists of what I was going to do each day and set out to do my chores. I became overwhelmed by barely checking off any of the items on my list. I explained to my counselor, "I am making myself lists, I am setting goals, Why can't I get anything accomplished?" My therapist told me I was expecting to much from myself. I was putting so much pressure on myself that I was failing then feeling worse about myself. She suggested I start by setting smaller goals, MUCH smaller goals. 


Set small goals

Instead of giving up and doing nothing. Which by the way is completely okay some days! Set a very small goal. Instead of, "Clean My House" or even "Clean my room" maybe just take the laundry from my bedroom to the laundry room. That's it. Stop. Maybe later or tomorrow your goal is to put it in the washer (and you kind of have to put it in the dryer because it starts to smell, believe me! lol)

Give yourself small goals and feel good when you accomplish them!


Set the Mood



This one is my FAVORITE!! When I clean I set the mood, especially when I am feeling depressed. 

Get Inspired: This looks something like sitting on my bed or couch and putting YouTube on one of my favorite cleaning channels. I love Love Meg and Clutterbug but you can search for others there are many channels out there. That step get's me inspired to clean.

Distraction: You are feeling down and probably have a million things going through your head while cleaning that aren't very motivational. Cleaning is an awesome time to listen to an audio book (there are some freebies on YouTube), Listen to some upbeat music (no sad stuff!) or play a happy movie (just as long as you are listening to it and not sitting down to watch).

Scents: This part is huge for me. I love to get my essential oils going, light candles, light incense and make the house smell good. This puts me in a happier mood and helps my house to already feel a bit cleaner because it smells so nice! I also love nicely scented cleaning products. My favorites are Mrs. Meyers and Method, or you can look up ways to make your own natural home cleaners!

Be Comfy: Throw your hair in a messy bun if it's long. Put on your most comfortable soft tee or sweats and make sure you are warm snuggly and comfy!




Get Rid of Stuff

Most of us have stuff we need to get rid of. I can always find stuff to get rid of and I purge my home often. Here's why getting rid of stuff makes me feel so good, it makes my house cleaner and it feels good to give things to people who can use them. I am not saying go Konmari method and put all the clothes you own in a huge pile, start small. You don't want to get overwhelmed. Got a drawer or shelf of vitamins? Go through it and look for expired bottles to throw away. Go through one drawer and donate clothing you no longer wear. Do small areas at a time. Relax, go slow, listen to your background music and slowly organize and get rid of what longer "sparks joy," (ok THAT part I borrowed from Marie Kondo) 


Reward Yourself

Give yourself some credit, give yourself a pat on the back. Grief and Depression are exhausting, let whatever you could do be enough. Don't think about what you did not get done, instead think about what you accomplished.

If all you did was get out of your bed and pick up your dirty socks today, I am proud of you! Be proud of yourself too!


Ask for help

There is no shame in asking other's for help if you need it. I remember being so overwhelmed one day back in college (I was a working single mother of two babies in college) I asked a friend to come over and not do any actual cleaning but help keep me focused. She would steer me in the direction of what to do next and keep me company while doing it. It's fun to talk to a friend while folding laundry or sorting socks, you don't have to be alone to clean. Whether they help or not, it's nice to have someone there to keep you company.


Cleaning your home is a form of self-care

When I started setting the mood, not setting my goals too high, and giving away what was causing clutter I noticed I started to ENJOY cleaning. GASP! This was new for me! It started to become something that lifted my mood. My house being clean makes me happy and when it's organized it's so much easier to keep clean. The actual act of cleaning, while setting the right state of mind and atmosphere makes cleaning feel good for me, and not some form of torture. My home is far from perfect but I am okay with that!

Keep it simple. Be easy on yourself. Do what you can do and Be Proud of Yourself!! 





Got more cleaning and organizing tips for cleaning while depressed? Drop them in the comment box below!!


None of the YouTube channels or companies mentioned in this post are in anyway sponsored!

The 7 month anniversary of my son's death, guilt

Emotionally, I have been up an down. I talked yesterday about being thrown back to the beginning again just when I felt like I was making progress. I was bewildered, I thought I was doing so much better, then suddenly I spent several days in tears. I am just on the tail end of that. I couldn't look at his picture without crying. I had to really think about why this was suddenly happening, it didn't mark any significant date or event, it just came out of nowhere. I was beating myself up a bit about it. I had to come to a level of acceptance, this is GRIEF. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't. There isn't always a specific reason why we break down, we are grieving!

Today I want to address a question or topic that has come up a few times in conversation, "How did you not know?" Or many variations of the same question. There is somehow this perceived notion that we were oblivious to Zuka's emotional state. Were we so wrapped up in our own lives that we missed that our son was suffering? Did he hide his secret pain?

The day Zuka died I went to work from home, but maybe was at work for an hour and realized he wasn't acting okay. I called my supervisor and told her that I needed to be with him, she was familiar with his situation and encouraged me to be with my son. She was very supportive about it. I was with him, one on one, for most of the day until my husband came home and we could make some decisions about whether we were going to force him back into the hospital or try to handle things outpatient. I was in the bathroom just a couple of minutes when Zuka took his life. We were right there.

A month before Zuka took his life he was in the hospital for a medication overdose. That day I called 911 and he was taken by ambulance to the ER where we spent 8 hours, then another hospital where he was observed another 8 hours and finally got a bed in the psychiatric unit. He was discharged 48 hours later! I tried to explain to the psychiatrist that I KNEW Zuka was not in a good state of mind. Zuka being extremely intelligent, had convinced the doctors that he was fine, he was having trouble sleeping and just took some extra meds to help him sleep, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! They believed him, they discharged him.

The two nights before he took his life he kept me awake all night talking. I would like to tell you I happily stayed up and gave him full attention but after so many hours I was exhausted. I was completely wrapped up in his emotional state. It's hard for my husband, Antonio, and I to not play the "what if" game, what if we had taken him to the hospital the minute he showed signs of having difficulty that day? What if we had done this or that differently?  There is a lot of guilt involved in losing a child to suicide. You can't allow yourself to go there, you have to try to block out those thoughts and know that you did the best you could. We got him all the help we could. We did the best we knew how to do. You can do everything "right" you can be completely present, fully understand the persons mental health struggles and sometimes it's not enough. That is the painful truth. 




If you are struggling with guilt over a loved one's suicide I would encourage you to seek help, reach out! There are many support groups and resources for suicide loss survivors.

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Grief is not Linear, My experiences with the 5 Stages of Grief

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ‘s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. 
Just remember your grief is an unique as you are.

David Kessler




One if the biggest misconceptions I had before experiencing grief was that the stages of grief are this linear path we follow until we "get through" the grieving process. What I learned from grief is that it is much messier than that. At times I felt like I was experiencing all these stages at the same time. Part of me accepting he was gone, yet still is disbelief that he isn't coming back. Anger has been present from day one, I am angry at life, at myself, at the universe, at God. There is so much anger about the situation. 

Sadness and depression are not exactly the same. 

According to Psychology Today, "That is one key difference with depression. People suffering from major depression tend to be isolated and feel disconnected from others, and may shun such support and assistance. People who don’t get such support, or who avoid it, may be at greater risk for slipping into clinical depression during the grieving process." 
I have experienced depression on and off throughout my life. In grief there has been constant sadness but I feel like there are periods where I am in major depression, I have no desire to be around anyone, to work on goals, to try to help myself heal in these times I rarely reach out for support (which is not healthy, I recommend reaching out for support, especially when you are at your lowest). I have other times when I am sad but I want to work on my sadness, I want to practice self-care, reach out for support, and help myself heal.

When my son first passed the pain was excruciating, it was like a pounding ear infection. I can only use what I know, and as a person who has suffered with ear infections my whole life, I know that a bad ear infection consumes you. It's constant, no matter what you try to do the pain is so loud it blocks out anything else. As time went on, it was still in my mind but a tiny bit quieter so I could hear messages of hope and start my healing journey. What surprised me was that it's not linear, I didn't get to a certain point and stay there, or move on. At times, life an ear infection, the pain would grow loud again. I felt disappointed in myself, "what happened?" "You were doing so well!" I would question myself. 7 months into this journey and I am back at day 1? How does that happen?

Grief is more like a roller coaster

Grief is not linear. In fact, my grief is more like a roller coaster. It's all over the place, it's messy. That's okay! That's grief. It's nothing you are doing wrong, it's not your fault. Don't add to your pain by feeling guilty about your self perceived "lack of progression." You can be healing and hurting and, happy and sad and all those things at the same time. You can accept what has happened and be in disbelief at the same time. You can be all over the place and still working through it.

Grief isn't something you work through and the job is done

Grief is not a job to complete, you work through it and it's done. Or maybe for you it is, everyone's grief is different. For many, like myself, grieving is an ongoing process. You never "get over it" but you work on being able to live with it. You learn to live with the pain, and some days it won't be blaring so loud that you can hear life again. Be patient with yourself!! 



      

Thursday, March 14, 2019

How to Kill Yourself



Hey Friend... I am so sorry that you are in so much pain that you are looking up ways to end it. 
I don't think you want to die, you just want the pain to stop.

How do I know? I have been in that much pain. 
I have wanted to die too, but I am so glad that I survived. 



My son, Zuka, unfortunately did not. 
At 18 years old my amazing son passed away from suicide...leaving behind his sister, his parents, grandparents, family and sooo many friends, all who were truly devastated by his loss. 






I understand tremendous pain, I also know it doesn't last forever!!

YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN

THE WORLD IS NOT BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU

THINGS CAN GET BETTER

Please tell someone. Please talk to someone.

If not for yourself, for someone you love!! 


If you are a teen or young adult, several have used this guide to figure out how to tell a parent or loved one you want to die. It’s worked well for many.  For the Teen Contemplating Suicide and Looking for the Strength to Reach Out. I hope you will use it. 
It takes courage to reach out for help, but you are strong, you have made it through so many tough days!! Make it through today!! 



U.S. Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255

U.S. Crisis text line 741-741

Canada 1-833-456-4566

United Kingdom 116 123

Australia 13 11 14


You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide





Thursday, March 7, 2019

The book, Do you want to contribute?





I am writing a book about Zuka and Grief. I am in the beginning stages, I have been doing a lot of research and reading books on writing books.

I would love for friends and family to contribute. If you have a story, a letter to Zuka, or anything you would like to contribute to the book, please email to Zukaslegacy@gmail.com. Please give written consent to use your name and the content you have provided.

I will also be posting an application to be a beta reader when I am a little further along in the book.

Some topics I am very interested in hearing more about include:

1. How did you find out about Zuka's passing?

2. If you found out in school, could you elaborate about what the scene looked like.

3. Stories about events planned for Zuka, the balloon launch, candle light ceremony etc..

4. Personal stories about Zuka, what was your relationship? Share a story, adventure or memory of him.

5. As someone who has lost a friend or family member to suicide, what would say to another person who is suffering the same loss?

6. What would you want to tell someone who is contemplating suicide?

7. Anything else you feel like sharing, even if you have shared it with me before.

Zukaslegacy@gmail.com


Thank-you and lots of love to you! ~Jenn

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Grief Dreams





I have so many grief dreams, I think I could write a book. They are always strange and symbolic, sometimes they seem silly but they all impact me greatly. In my last grief dream Zuka was a toddler, as he often is. I had been rejected by most of my friends and family and Zuka was the only person I had (Jamilah was not born yet). I walked with Zuka through this mall type place and and outside was some soft of music festival. We walked through the doors, I carried Zuka in a makeshift sort of baby carrier on my chest, so only his little head peeked out. We stood on this cement walkway and looked at this beautiful music festival before us. There were trees and lights and people dressed in bohemian and tie dyed clothing. I was happy, just carrying my baby boy around, talking to him, it was he and I against the world. I walked down these cement steps towards the festival, and I looked down at him, I couldn't see his face in the carrier anymore. I quickly searched through the carrier to find I was carrying an empty bunch of cloth. I looked back and I had somehow dropped Zuka at the top of the staircase, He was completely okay. He stood there, waiting for me, his chubby little baby self. Other people came out and stood with him as he waited for me to come back and get him.

I walked towards the stairs, and suddenly the cement stairs were too high to climb, they were giant. The stairs were cement walls, on on top of the other and my baby waited for me at the top. I couldn't get to him. I struggled and struggled to get up the cement stairs but I couldn't get to him. I was crying and calling out for him. I woke up in tears, I am in tears writing this. These dreams sound silly...but each is a heartbreaking way in which I lose my son or try desperately to find him. They are torture.

Friday, March 1, 2019

What if Happiness is not a choice?




I used to say that happiness was a choice, that we choose to be happy when we do the things to create happiness. I felt like I had to always work to create happiness and "positivity" even when I wasn't feeling it. After all, there must be a million meme's out there that tell me if I want to be happy, I must choose to be. After my son passed away and grief hit me, I felt a little angry when I saw these posts, and cringed at some of the posts I had shared. 

What I didn't realize is that sometimes no matter how much you decide that you're going to be happy you just cannot. When you say things like "choose to be happy," It can make those who are grieving or depressed feel a sort of guilt like their unhappiness is a choice and that somehow people can will themselves out of that feeling. 

 "Positivity" was something I tried to promote but there are times when there is no positive side! People will try to show you silver linings, but there really are none in certain circumstances. Yes, I have another child, YES, we had 18 years worth of memories, Yes, someday I hope to help other's with grief, depression and mental health but NONE of that makes losing a child any easier!! 
My son dealt with mental health issues, struggling with depression and bipolar disorder. No amount of "looking on the bright side" was going to take that away, he didn't choose to be unhappy. Happiness is not a choice for everyone. 

You cannot rise from the ocean of sorrows and will yourself onto a mountain top, so you just have to swim. Happiness may not be a option for you right now but survival is. 
Keep swimming

Sending you all Love, Jenn



Not Pennies from heaven (adultish content)

I have heard a lot of people in my grief groups talk about signs from their loved one. For some it's birds, for other's it's pennies they find throughout the day, "Pennies from Heaven" as they call them. Well, I have had any occurrences with birds, butterflies, or pennies but, I have has some little reminder of Zuka's sense of humor popping up every once in awhile and it makes me laugh every time.


If you knew Zuka you know he had a wild sense of humor. For Christmas 2017, he sent his Dad, Antonio, a very nice present but, the week before that he sent him a hilarious present. Zuka sent him a "Bag Of D*cks" inside were two bags of phallic shaped gummy's and a whole bunch of phallic shaped metallic confetti.



I have vacuumed my floor, and washed my carpet so many times since December 2017. I have reorganized and gone through everything "Konmari" style and yet we still find these from time to time. Now, I am not saying they are from heaven, or that I believe Zuka is somehow leaving these for us. I don't really know what I believe in terms of all that...

but what I know is these little worn out metallic confetti pieces keep showing up, in clothing, on the carpet, in drawers and each time I see one I have to laugh and remember me sons awesome sense of humor. I remember the look on my husband's face when he received this gift, and the look of pure joy on Zukas face when I described, in detail, his dad's reaction to opening this gift. He thought it was hilarious!



He was smiling like THIS!
   

Antonio got him back by buying him the most loud, metallic pink tiger striped underwear. 
Turns our Zuka LOVED them and wore them often!! 





Sometimes it's the little things that add a little light in this journey!! 

I miss you Zuka, and your wild sense of humor!!! 

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

6 months, Suicide and Selfishness

It has been 6 months since Zuka died. A very hard 6 months which has taught me so much about grief, loss and what really matters in life.

I came on here to give and update on my life, and how I feel at 6 months but, honestly not much has changed. I'm still devastated, it doesn't get easier, though I may do a bit better with handling my grief from day to day than I did at first. Which mostly means I try to avoid thinking about it, and I hide it better.

What is really on my mind tonight is the idea that suicide is selfish.  I have seen it posted on social media and heard the phrase in movies and it really angers me. Zuka was the kind of person who really cared what other people felt. He had a hard time asking for things and would often call me first to either get advice or to ask me to ask for him because he was afraid of putting people in an awkward position. It doesn't matter how mad we were with one another, he always made sure I was okay and told me he loved me. Even if he was about to hang up the phone on me. He hated to see people hurt and he hated even more to be the cause of that hurt. In fact, he took it extremely hard when he knew someone was upset with him.

I know many people who suffer with depression and bipolar disorder, or suicidal thoughts feel like they are a burden to other's. They don't want their own mental health to cause any unhappiness to anyone around them. When Zuka was down, he was often alone, he didn't want to be grouchy or have others witness his sadness. I know I have felt this way myself, with depression, anxiety and even with my grief.

Depression kills people. At the moment a person decides to take their life they are feeling like there is no hope, no other option, a level of anguish that you would have to experience to understand. The only way they can see to end that pain is to end their life. End their suffering, and end the burden they FEEL like they are to others. It's mental illness. It's tragic. It's horrific, but it is NOT selfish!!


I will always miss Zuka. My heart will always ache. There is a void in my life that nothing else could ever fill but, I will never ever be angry at Zuka. He did the best he could, until he just couldn't anymore. He didn't live a selfish life, he would have given you the shirt off his back.... He certainly didn't die a selfish death. 

I love you always Zuka! 





You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide




Remembering Zuka, Jake Craig


A Very Sweet Message I got from Robert Craig!
CONGRATULATIONS Jake!!!



"Jennifer, I wanted to pass this along to you. My son Jake Craig attends a private school in Pennsylvania. He was recruited for wrestling. He really liked Zuka and the two grew close during the season that he wrestled in Maine for Skowhegan and the summer wrestling trip to Virginia Beach. Jake took Zuka's death extremely hard.
So this season he dedicated his wrestling to Zuka and his memory. I'm proud to tell you that today Jake won Pennsylvania Prep States! If you look closely at his headgear you can make out a "ZM" in honor of Zuka. He told me to tell you that this one is for Zuka. He meant a lot to my son. Thought you should know."





(shared with permission)

REVIEW: It's Ok that You're Not Ok by Megan Devine








Here is my GoodReads review:


I lost my son to suicide and my good friend sent me this book. It is awesome, I have found it so helpful. This book has helped me deal with the well meaning but not so comforting things that people say to the grieving. This book taught me there is no "correct" way to grieve and that my feelings are "normal." It gave me great comfort to know I'm not losing my mind, I am grieving. The inability to think clearly, to remember things, the foggy brain, all parts of grief. 

As a mental health professional and someone who has suffered a great loss, I feel like Megan Devine truly understands. Whether you are dealing with a loss or other grief, supporting someone who is grieving or you just want to have a better understanding of grief, you should check out this book! I wish everyone would read it and society as a whole would be better equipped to support those who are carrying the weight of grief. I highly recommend this book! 



find on Amazon:

It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand


Thursday, February 7, 2019

Saving a Life






I have come across meme's and posts online that basically say we should not tell a suicidal person to stay alive because of anyone else but themselves. The basic idea, it's not fair to guilt someone into staying alive. Now, I get where they are coming from but here is my take on this issue as a suicide loss survivor and someone who has been suicidal.

A person who is suicidal often thinks very little of themselves but,I believe they care immensely about those around them. They often feel like a burden to others, like maybe people would be better off without them. I believe some people stay alive for the people they love, and maybe that will buy them enough time to get the proper mental health they need.

When my son died, it's no secret that I wanted to die too. I didn't feel like I meant anything. I felt guilty, like I should have been able to save him. I felt like I failed. Well let's be honest, all I felt at first was the most gut wrenching hell I could never have imagined before. I didn't know how I would ever breathe again without Zuka. I didn't want to, I wanted to be with him. The pain was overwhelming. Words are inadequate to explain to you, and I pray that you will never truly understand. But then....there was Jamilah. I could not live for me but I HAD to live for her. I couldn't never put her through that pain.

I wanted to die when I was 18, I didn't value myself. I felt like my family would be better off without me. I was told by my peers that I was fat, useless, ugly, that no one would ever love me. I couldn't deal with the pain. When I look back, after going through what I went through with Zuka, I am so thankful I didn't die that night and put them through that.

Sometimes we can't live for ourselves. In an ideal would we would feel the self worth, self love, to live for ourselves.....but I doubt a suicidal person is feeling that. Of course, this is just my opinion...I don't feel bad saying if you can't live for yourself, live for ME....until you build the strength to live for yourself.

Zuka tried, Lord he tried, He promised his friends he wouldn't hurt himself. If he had been in his right mind that night, I know he would have lived for those he loved, even though he wasn't able to keep fighting for himself.


My son is dead. I would have said anything, done anything, pleaded, and not felt any guilt for anything I needed to do to keep him alive that night. I didn't get that chance, what happened was spontaneous, the decision was made in a second and he was gone. There was no threat, no discussion, no note. he was just gone in an instant.

Suicide is not selfish.... and neither is begging someone to stay alive... even if it's not for them right now.... feelings, depression, they don't have to be permanent....but suicide is.

One of the biggest reasons I share my story is so that maybe someone who is thinking of hurting themselves will see how much it will destroy people who love them, and maybe it will help them hang on until they can get help. maybe....

I also write to let people know they aren't alone, they aren't going crazy. Grief will shake your very foundation and make you doubt everything you have ever known. You will come through the storm, but you will never be the same.

Please know YOU matter! You are worth it! Depression, Mental Illness lies to you. The world would not be better without you...You deserve to be here, you deserve so much love! 
                                       I wish you all so much love and peace!!












Saturday, February 2, 2019

Guilt








August 20th 2018 Zuka ended his life. I had the urge to blame myself, I played scenarios in my head. What if I had just said the right things that day? What if I had ignored his pleas and taken him to the psychiatric hospital? What if I hadn't brought him back to Florida? What if I never sent him to Maine in the first place? What if I never moved to Florida in the first place? What if I came out of the bathroom seconds before I did? Like the butterfly effect I tried to play out every scenario in my head.

I decided very early on I wasn't going to play that game. I heard those close to him looking for ways to blame themselves, "What if I was a better dad?" "What if I was a better friend" what if I did this, or that and I decided that we needed accept that he was gone and not allow any talk of guilt or fault.

I would love to tell you that means we no longer thought, somewhere in the back of our minds that there had to be something we were missing, we must have overlooked something that we could have done to save Zuka.

I had people message me telling me it wasn't my fault. They assumed I blamed myself. Other's sent me their long though-out theories of why they believed Zuka took his life. Some were hurtful, people assumed I didn't know he was depressed. They assumed he hid his pain. They assumed I didn't understand.

I understood Zuka. He understood me. I have to laugh because that's why we butted heads so much. We were so much alike. We talked about this a lot this summer. If anyone in this world understood me, it was him. I was always especially close to him because of this. I understood Zuka, I understood his pain, his ups, his downs. I knew Zuka! What I didn't know was how to save him.

I tried from the time he was tiny to protect him from the world. He was a sensitive soul. He was a sensitive human from the moment he came into this world. When the raindrops hit his sister's face she laughed and would stick out her tongue to catch the raindrops, Zuka cried. When the sun would shine through the window of the car onto his car seat he would become agitated, she would smile. Certain textures of food or clothing bothered him. He couldn't stand a lot of noise and confusion. His preschool class had a special little room made so Zuka could go and listen to meditation music when his classroom was too much to take. Preschool!

I had been trying to shelter Zuka and protect him for 18 years, the one thing I could not protect him from was himself. Not for lack of trying. We had long talks, I often checked in with his emotional state. We tried hospitals and medications. We tried counselors and other supports. I can't begin to tell you the struggles that went on before he moved to Maine. I am sure people wonder why he moved there, I wonder if they blame me, I wonder what theories people developed in their heads. It was for Zuka's well being and out of respect for his privacy, the little he has left, I will leave it at that.

I know we did a lot. I know he tried really hard to fight too.  I know how hard I tried to "fix" him, sometimes at the the detriment to my own health and well being..... it doesn't stop the "What ifs".... It doesn't stop the guilt. I know no matter what the method was, he would have found a way if he wanted to leave this earth. I know there was no right thing to say. I know I was trying to respect his wishes and find another way when he begged me not to take him to the psychiatric unit that day. I Know this was not my fault, or anyone else's fault. I know it wasn't Zuka's fault. This I know is a fact.....but in my heart....

               As your mother Zuka, I was always be so sorry I couldn't save you.... 
                                              
                                                   I'm sorry I couldn't save you!!