Sunday, September 23, 2018

Ramblings from Maine day 3

Here I am in Maine. A few weeks ago I realized I was not okay, not a big surprise given the circumstance but, after talking to my brother, I came to the conclusion that I just needed to head to Maine. Maine is where I am from, where my family is and where Zuka spent three years of his life before coming home to Florida for the summer. 30 days after Zuka passed I boarded a plane to Maine.

I had a lot of anxiety on the flight down, at one point having an anxiety attack and bawling while being pushed in a wheel chair through the airport. Mildly embarrassing but at this point in my life I don't care what other people think. I just couldn't wait to be "Home."

I went through Zuka's things at my parents house, I found a letter I wrote him when he moved to Maine that he had kept. It touched my heart that he had kept it all this time. I went outside in the crisp fall air and cried, then went in to finish going through his things. Who knew he had so many super hero themed clothing items?! He had another stack of cards he had kept, he was very sentimental like that.

It's been wonderful seeing my parents, spending time with my brother....I have spent time with family and friends and sharing the experience and stories about Zuka has been incredibly cathartic. I appreciate all their patience, love and support.

I am living on intuition, doing whatever feels right. I heard the homecoming parade go by and felt an overwhelming urge to go the the homecoming game. Never something the old me would have done on her own, but I had to go. I was in Florida during all of Zuka's games and sadly, though I watched and cheered from home, I never made it to see my son, number 44, play. I scanned the numbers on the field and found no number 44. That made me happy, in my heart Zuka will always be the only number 44. A couple of people recognized me and I teared up a bit but it was good that they came up to say hello and offer a hug. It felt good being there. The sun beamed down on me, I felt at peace, almost as if Zuk was there with me. I spent the last part of the game talking to two of his best friends, we shared stories and videos for the rest of the game and on the drive home. It was another one of those happy/sad times but I really enjoyed talking to them.

Today his two best female friends came over and we went through Zuka's clothes, It was great talking about clothing items and the memories that certain items had brought back for them, of course I wanted to share these items with them. It felt really good that they wanted them, something to feel closer to Zuk and remember him. Heartwarming.

It's been difficult and healing, it's been happy and sad, definitely a mixture of emotion. Being here is what I need right now. Maine embraced Zuka, and I feel so much of him here. I brought some of his ashes to stay here in Maine, a place he loved so much..... ❤

more to come....