Saturday, September 29, 2018

Ramblings from Maine Day 9

Yesterday I visited friends and there was a young woman there about my sons age, she was asked if she knew Zuka and she said yes. She started explaining how he always defended her when people talked about her and what a good person he was. It was great to hear such nice things about my son, when she didn't even know that his mother was in the room.

Maine has been nice, weather has been a relief from the Florida heat. I went with my parents for lobster rolls one day, we went to an orchard for real Maine cider another day. I have had Humpty Dumpty potato chips and red hot dogs with my brother, also some apple crisp made from fresh Maine apples. I may have had a whoopie pie or two. All things we do not have in Florida. I am getting the whole Maine experience.

I am thankful to be at my brothers and really feel at home here. Today I had a mental health day, where I stayed in and did next to nothing. I really needed a day just to relax and not talk about anything. It has been great seeing everyone and at first it helped me to talk about my sons death and talk about memories but overwhelmed me. Today I canceled all plans and stayed in. I had to for my own well being. It's hard keeping it together for long periods of time, sometimes you just need to be with your own thoughts. Sometimes you just need to fall apart a little.

This is a lonely journey, the road of grief. There are people all around me but I still feel alone. I have to work things out in my own head, I have to grieve my own way. Two people can experience the loss of the same person and still grieve in completely different ways, it's very personal and very lonely. There is no way to make someone understand what it feels like to lose a child, or to lose someone to suicide. I wouldn't want to if I could, I would never want to put that pain on anybody.

I just keep going, following my intuition to guide me towards what I need to heal. I have to do what's right for me right now and I really have no energy to care about what that looks like to anyone else. This is my road, and some roads you must walk alone.

It's chilly, I'm about to snuggle up and watch a documentary on Zuk's laptop before I go to sleep....

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