Friday, October 26, 2018

2 months, 6 days, nothing positive

I know there is no correct way to grieve, there really isn't but still I feel somehow I'm doing it wrong. I feel selfish, I never really check in with anyone else to see how they are doing (except Milah and Tony)
I have no energy, I am so tired. I wrote a list of things I need to do each day and I get like one or two done. I feel miserable. I feel lazy. I feel depressed. I feel broken.

I obsess over Zuka, I try to occupy my mind but little things always remind me of him and I cry. I cry every damn day, I'm still in shock, I can't face the fact he is not coming back. I don't know how to exist in so much pain. I don't know what to do with myself. There is no pain reliever for a pain like this. I'm so angry . I'm jealous of other moms sending their kids off to college and I don't have my son. I get annoyed when people complain about little things, I know it's human nature but I'm dealing with my biggest fear, my worst nightmare coming true. I have to live with this every day, and dream about it at night. I feel like I'm being tortured. I can't imagine hell being worse than this.

I'm not afraid of anything anymore. Not to say I don't have anxiety and PTSD, but I can't think of anything I'm afraid of. I have faced my worst nightmare, I have already been destroyed, I've already seen hell.....what is there to fear?

I feel people get tired of my posts and my pictures of Zuka, I can't help it, he is what I think about most of the time, he and his sister Milah. I have never really openly told the whole story, except to a few close people but I am working on a book about my life which is really nerve wracking, I don't feel like I am a good writer but I need to get my whole story out, even if just for myself.

I wish I knew how to get through this, the psychiatrist and counselors say it's just going to take time.... just trying to live right now is hell.... I am trying to carry on... really every day I struggle to carry on

If you are considering suicide please get help, please don't put the people you love through this hell. I guarantee whatever you are feeling, they will be left feeling 100x worse...

Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

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