Thursday, October 18, 2018

Dear Zuka, a letter to my son

Dear Zuka,

      I haven't talked to you since August 20th, 2018, the day you left us. I have screamed and said 1,000 times "Why Zuka? Why?" Here's what I would say to you if I could.

Zuka I am sorry I couldn't save you. I tried so many time and this time I failed. I wish I had made you get in that car somehow or called the police and told them you weren't okay. I would have done anything to save you, given my life instead.

Zuk I always told you I couldn't go on if you weren't here, and now I am here and I HAVE to be alive and I really want to be with you. I think about you every moment of every day, I cry whenever I am alone. I spend most of my time in your room so I can feel closer to you. Zuka I never thought I would have to live without you, damn it, I love you so much....I can't breathe when I remember you aren't coming's like my throat is closing up....and my chest hurts. I don't know how to do life without you.

I loved you the minute I knew I was carrying you. When I was 9 months I didn't want to give birth to you, as crazy as that sounds, I couldn't always protect you out in the world and I was so afraid something would hurt you. I know I was overprotective of you and Jamilah but I wanted more than anything to keep you safe.... and I feel like I failed Zuk. I feel like I failed you.

There are no words for the pain I feel, it's not something that words could ever describe and only someone who has been through this could possibly understand. Zuk you were my heart and now my heart is in a million pieces, I grieve from deep in my soul, I will never be the same.

I just want one more day with you, I just want another hug and to hear you laughing and playing pranks on me. I would give anything.... God I hope when this life ends you are there to meet me. I love you sooooo much!! I told you every single day. I don't know why you left left us....and we will forever miss you Zukie...

I love you with every single piece of my broken heart Zuka..... forever and always....

Love, Mom

1 comment:

  1. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through Jenn but I do know that you never failed Zuka and if he was here, he would tell you that. You're NOT a failure in anything. You are an amazing Mother, woman, wife, and friend. I'm so blessed to have you in my life and I hope that I haven't destroyed what we had. I love you and hope that you'll talk to me soon.