Friday, October 19, 2018

I shaved my legs

I shaved my legs last night. I am sure you all wanted to know that, but here's why I am sharing that with you.  It was symbolic of my commitment to carry on with my life. This passage from "Christian's Red Balloon, Mothering and Angel" really spoke to me

              "She made the distinction between carrying on and moving on as  grieving mothers. This really resonated with me. Her point was that we never move on from grieving our children. We carry on. We carry on raising our living children. We carry on as wives. We carry on as daughters, sisters, friends. Most of all we carry on, while carrying our children in our hearts. We carry on because our deceased children live on through us. Their legacies, messages and light live on through us. That can only happen if we carry on with our life."

Since losing Zuka I had given up on any self care, I showered and combed out my hair but that was really it. I hadn't shaved since Zuka passed, I hadn't done any makeup, perfume, lotion, really anything. I found no joy in anything, I didn't want to try and have fun, it almost felt like a betrayal to my son, to my grieving. So last night I took a long shower, deep conditioning my hair, shaving and just relaxing. I used some of my favorite lotion and painted my nails, my daughter painted my toes. Today I put on a little makeup. Just simple self care.

At bed time I laid in bed and wrote myself a list of physical, mental and spiritual self care; such as meditating daily, reading daily in front of my therapeutic sun lamp, getting some form of physical exercise and working on the book I am writing daily. Just little things that encourage me to carry on, though I know I will never move on. 

I will carry on!

I will Carry you in my heart Always Zuka!

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