Sunday, October 7, 2018
I'm not okay, but it's okay
I am not in a great place right now. Losing Zuka seems to be getting harder, not easier. The more time passes the more I feel the need to hide my feelings because I feel like people are worn out from hearing about them. I try to smile, I try to be happy. I truly don't find joy in anything right now. Reality is setting in, he isn't coming back. He is really gone. The one thing that gives me any peace is trying to write, in hopes of helping other's struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I am depressed. I barely want to get out of bed in the morning, but staying in bed makes me feel lazy so I try and get up and do something. I resigned from my job, I just can't imagine trying to go back to work right now but of course that adds the stress of money issues. I just can't seem to make myself okay.
People ask me how I am, I say fine. I don't know what else to say. Do I say, "I am hopeless." does anyone want to hear the truth? People rarely visit anymore, except for a couple friends who have been there and understand what we are going through. I want to reach out to friends but I don't want to worry people, or bother people. And though I know I am not a burden, depression still whispers that in my ear. Everyone tells me I need to be strong for my daughter, I hear that, I am trying my best.
I am seeing a therapist and tomorrow I plan to go to a support group. I am supposed to get outside at least once a day, it doesn't always happen. My happiness is my responsibility and I am trying my hardest to climb out of this hole. One day I hope to be happy again....
I am not okay, and it's hard to admit....but if I can admit it, maybe someone else who is struggling can admit it too. It's okay not to be okay! But you can't stay in that place, you need to seek help... I am seeking help!