Thursday, November 1, 2018

Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy

I don't think my blogs are helping anyone. Maybe one day they will, maybe one day I will find the secret to being happy again and you will see my journey but right now, nothing is getting better.

My daughter, Jamilah is in her senior year, her brother passed away her first semester, she works at a fast food place and she takes Advanced Placement classes, she still managed to make straight A's. She is so resilient, strong and intelligent, she's amazing and I admire her so much.

Me? I want to sleep half the time, I don't feel like dealing with the pain and I sleep. I had all these self help goals but it's so much easier to just sleep.

My brain still won't believe he is gone. I have to tell myself he isn't coming back and then I feel like my throat is closing up and 1,000 pounds are on my chest. I could have never believed pain like this existed. My whole body hurts but I feel it most in my throat when I think of him, it takes my breath away.

I wish there was a magic pill to take away the pain but then I'd probably feel guilty for not feeling it.

No one talks about him anymore, except my husband. It makes me feel alone, it makes me feel like no one cares about him anymore, like they just moved on. I know it's hard to be around a grieving person, I try to be as strong and fake happiness when I am around others. Sometimes it doesn't work and I cry in strange places, like in the middle of my husbands birthday dinner, while dining in public.

I know all my social media is hard to look at, I know I am obsessed with the memory of Zuka, or haunted, I don't know. I can't stop myself from posting pictures and memories. I know people don't want to follow me, I must look crazy. Maybe I am, I just hurt so damn bad and I would give anything to have him in my life again.

I wish I had words to make you understand the pain, there are no words, there is no description that can encompass this sort of grief. One would have to experience it to understand it and I wouldn't want anyone to go through a pain like this.

I'm exhausted, I'm angry, I'm lost..... I feel like everything I knew for sure before Zuka's death is just lost, like the entire foundation is gone....

Zuka's birthday is in 8 days, he would have been 19, but he is forever 18. This is brutal, this is torture, this is my worst nightmare and I can't wake up from it. Life is so damn hard. Missing him is killing me.

Someone advised me to check out Hallie Twomey's blog, look at her older post so midway through this post I stopped and took a look. I can relate so much, so maybe I am not crazy. The guilt, the what-if's, the pain, the tears and sadness and grief.... Yes, I could relate so much.

Hallie Wrote:
    "I am as empty as I've ever been.

"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy."

This is so true of the smile we put on to make others comfortable... It's sad that our grief makes others so uncomfortable makes me want to hide away even more...

It's neatly 3 am.... I suppose I should try to get back to sleep.

life is hell. 

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