Sunday, December 23, 2018

Christmas Eve 2018

This is Zuka's First Christmas in heaven and it has been the most difficult holiday season I have ever had. It's supposed to be a time for celebration, it's heartbreaking to celebrate and mourn at the same time.

The feelings of loss and grief have been the deepest these last few weeks. I think it's settled in that he is not coming home and not having him here for the holidays physically hurts. When I think about him my throat feels like it's closing and my chest feels so heavy.

I have my 17 year old daughter at home, it's her senior year of High School and I want to make sure that she has a wonderful Christmas... I am shopping for her gifts and I keep seeing things I want to buy for Zuka. It's like my mind forgets momentarily that he is gone. That's the worst feeling, reminding myself he is gone and not coming back. Milah found a superhero subscription box she thought her brother would love and had to do the same. My heart breaks for her, My husband, My family and Zuka's close friends... it's so hard losing him... it's so hard celebrating anything now that he is gone.

The tears come more often now, I still cry daily but now it's several times a day. Decorating the tree was so hard, decorations from his first Christmas, decorations he made in school, decorations that mark different periods of his life. I bought the decoration above for his first Christmas in Heaven.

The one thing I asked for was a tall thing curio cabinet with a light to keep Zuka's little memory items in. My husband gave it to me early because it was too hard to keep hidden. I spent that night in tears picking the right things to put in my cabinet... I love it. It feels like such a beautiful way to honor him and keep him close to us,

I heard that the holidays are hard after losing a loved one....but I never imagined how hard it would be this first Christmas after losing my son. I miss Zuka so much. The fact that my family is in Maine and I am in Florida makes it even more heartbreaking. I miss my family every year....and now missing my son and my family... It's really hard to celebrate.

I am very fortunate to have my husband and my beautiful daughter who are very loving and supportive, and I am thankful for all the memories I have with Zuka. It's worth all the pain and suffering to have had the time I did have with him. I love and miss him so much.... I feel it in my soul...

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and for those grieving and hurting I'm sending you so much love and (((hugs)))

Take care of you. be gentle with yourself.

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