Thursday, December 27, 2018

Month 5

I don't know how people do this, live life after losing their child, yet here we are day by day, sometimes minute by minute surviving. My husband Antonio and I go out into the world and try to act like everything is okay. People ask how we are, we usually answer "Ok...fine, we're ok" but if these walls could talk.... They would tell stories or thousands of tears cried, pleas to God to bring our son back, talks of memories and heartbreak....

This is our new "normal." As time goes on we end up crying more privately, the shower because a safe place to shed tears without upsetting anyone else. We try to think of happier times and keep going, we try to make a happy life for our 17 year old daughter at home.

We have heard that marriages often break up when a child passes away...but for us it has brought us closer in some ways. We both have been through the same trauma and can understand where the other one is coming from. He has been my rock, and I hope I have been his soft place to land during some of his tough times. I try to be. Sometimes I am angry and grouchy and I snap at him, or our daughter and I try to always apologize and make it clear that I am not angry at them but at the situation we are going through. Keeping communication open in our home has been really important. I want everyone to feel it's safe to talk about whatever they need to discuss. I never would have made it through this 5 months without my husband there...

I had originally had all these ideas of starting a non profit and making a difference in other's lives who might be struggling with suicidal thoughts or the loss of a loved one to suicide. I had to realize that I need to work through my own grief and take time to myself before really being valuable to others. Funny someone told me that at the beginning and I didn't understand it why that was... As the shock wore off and the reality set in I realized this is going to be a journey and not a race to be okay. I do try to reach out to other moms who have lost a child, I am open to talking to people who are hurting, Zuka's friends and loved ones can reach me on social media or at I do have big goals and big plans but they are going to take awhile, I am okay with that.

I haven't gone back to work yet. I want to finish my degree and work while I am going to school, it's hard to get things done when nothing is really regulated. Emotions all over the place, sleepless nights, anxiety and haunting memories. I am working through it.... the Family is working on their own grief in their own ways.

We are surviving, I don't know how, but one foot in front of the other we are making a life of our new normal... sending lots of love and compassion to those who are hurting~~

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