Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Christmas Paradox

It’s a weird feeling being happy and sad at the same time.
It’s not until now that I discovered this feeling. My first Christmas without you Zuka.
I put your favorite candy, Dove Chocolate in your stocking, I couldn’t help it....
Felt bad that I never got your dove the last holiday before you passed.

Your funny elf slippers were in the living room in front of the tree, your stocking hanging near your urn. There were pictures of my chubby cheeked little boy by the Christmas tree,
one with your sister and another with a Santa hat on and a huge smile. Happy and Sad. Happy Memories, and Missing you terribly.

I wanted to buy you presents, I had the urge to get you something, anything….
but instead I asked Santa for a cabinet to keep some of your memories in… It’s in the corner of the room, lit up beautifully. Pictures of you and your grandfather at your graduation, the family at graduation, your first picture, your last picture, a wrestling medal, your diploma, the shells from where we let some of your ashes go on the beach for your 19th birthday, a lovely candle Gloria made for us, a box of memories your loved ones wrote…. Beautiful… and Tragic.

The tree with sparkling lights, your first Christmas decorations, your first Christmas in Heaven decoration.Picture ornaments with you and your sister growing up, ornaments you both made through the years. Touching and heartbreaking…

My day was family, Your Dad and sister spoiled me with presents, presents from Grammy and Grandpa,a call from them Christmas opening presents….missing your presence…

Dinner with the family, smiles and Christmas wishes, jokes and funny memories, hugging little ones….then walking away to wipe the tears….remembering my little boy….

Coming home, quiet family time, looking at all my gifts, feeling loved, happy and content,
feeling lonely empty and lost. Confused.

I made it through Christmas my dear son, All the broken pieces of my heart still beating, still loving…

Still comforted and haunted by your memories….
I love you. I miss you to my core.

Always ~ Mom

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