Wednesday, February 20, 2019

6 months, Suicide and Selfishness

It has been 6 months since Zuka died. A very hard 6 months which has taught me so much about grief, loss and what really matters in life.

I came on here to give and update on my life, and how I feel at 6 months but, honestly not much has changed. I'm still devastated, it doesn't get easier, though I may do a bit better with handling my grief from day to day than I did at first. Which mostly means I try to avoid thinking about it, and I hide it better.

What is really on my mind tonight is the idea that suicide is selfish.  I have seen it posted on social media and heard the phrase in movies and it really angers me. Zuka was the kind of person who really cared what other people felt. He had a hard time asking for things and would often call me first to either get advice or to ask me to ask for him because he was afraid of putting people in an awkward position. It doesn't matter how mad we were with one another, he always made sure I was okay and told me he loved me. Even if he was about to hang up the phone on me. He hated to see people hurt and he hated even more to be the cause of that hurt. In fact, he took it extremely hard when he knew someone was upset with him.

I know many people who suffer with depression and bipolar disorder, or suicidal thoughts feel like they are a burden to other's. They don't want their own mental health to cause any unhappiness to anyone around them. When Zuka was down, he was often alone, he didn't want to be grouchy or have others witness his sadness. I know I have felt this way myself, with depression, anxiety and even with my grief.

Depression kills people. At the moment a person decides to take their life they are feeling like there is no hope, no other option, a level of anguish that you would have to experience to understand. The only way they can see to end that pain is to end their life. End their suffering, and end the burden they FEEL like they are to others. It's mental illness. It's tragic. It's horrific, but it is NOT selfish!!

I will always miss Zuka. My heart will always ache. There is a void in my life that nothing else could ever fill but, I will never ever be angry at Zuka. He did the best he could, until he just couldn't anymore. He didn't live a selfish life, he would have given you the shirt off his back.... He certainly didn't die a selfish death. 

I love you always Zuka! 

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

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