what you see, and what you don't see
I was talking with my doctor yesterday, by the way, the best doctor I have ever seen. She is my regular doctor and spends more time getting to know me than any counselor I have ever seen, a truly caring, compassionate woman. So yeah, she was asking me yesterday about my anxiety level and if I have driven yet. I have not. I have not driven since Zuka passed away. She asked me, "What is that fear about?"
I had to think. I don't truly know what the fear the fear is about. I told her, "I think it's about messing up." I tell myself, "Tomorrow I will drive to the store and I will shop, all alone." I tell my husband this and I truly mean it... but then the next day comes and I can feel the anxiety creeping up my spine and around to my stomach and then my throat like it strangling me and I find reasons why today is not the day I should drive.
I wish I could tell you that's it's just driving, but the anxiety pops up all over the place. Last week we pulled into a store I hadn't been in since Zuka passed. In fact we went to that store the day Zuka passed, just hours before. I needed something only this store had and my husband was unable to go into the store because he was dealing with another issue.
I felt the anxiety, I told myself that I will be fine and I entered the little store. Luckily I was the only person there. I picked up my item and went to the cash, in my mind I could see Zuka standing there with me, the way he was that day. My hands started shaking as I tried to ignore my feelings, then the familiar tightening of my throat until I felt I couldn't breathe. I started crying. I immediately started saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" because I hate when I make other uncomfortable with my tears. I quickly explained why I was crying and she came around the counter, told me it was okay and hugged me. She was very kind, I still felt mortified.
I shouldn't feel mortified. I know this but I do. I hate crying in public, I hate losing control. I think this is my biggest anxiety and fear... that I will lose control. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of how my grief makes others feel. I am afraid of showing the face I don't let other's see...the sad, scared, vulnerable me.
somehow it's much easier to show the world online than it is in real life.... to admit that I am so afraid of life right now. I am so afraid to show my anxiety.