Thursday, February 7, 2019

Saving a Life

I have come across meme's and posts online that basically say we should not tell a suicidal person to stay alive because of anyone else but themselves. The basic idea, it's not fair to guilt someone into staying alive. Now, I get where they are coming from but here is my take on this issue as a suicide loss survivor and someone who has been suicidal.

A person who is suicidal often thinks very little of themselves but,I believe they care immensely about those around them. They often feel like a burden to others, like maybe people would be better off without them. I believe some people stay alive for the people they love, and maybe that will buy them enough time to get the proper mental health they need.

When my son died, it's no secret that I wanted to die too. I didn't feel like I meant anything. I felt guilty, like I should have been able to save him. I felt like I failed. Well let's be honest, all I felt at first was the most gut wrenching hell I could never have imagined before. I didn't know how I would ever breathe again without Zuka. I didn't want to, I wanted to be with him. The pain was overwhelming. Words are inadequate to explain to you, and I pray that you will never truly understand. But then....there was Jamilah. I could not live for me but I HAD to live for her. I couldn't never put her through that pain.

I wanted to die when I was 18, I didn't value myself. I felt like my family would be better off without me. I was told by my peers that I was fat, useless, ugly, that no one would ever love me. I couldn't deal with the pain. When I look back, after going through what I went through with Zuka, I am so thankful I didn't die that night and put them through that.

Sometimes we can't live for ourselves. In an ideal would we would feel the self worth, self love, to live for ourselves.....but I doubt a suicidal person is feeling that. Of course, this is just my opinion...I don't feel bad saying if you can't live for yourself, live for ME....until you build the strength to live for yourself.

Zuka tried, Lord he tried, He promised his friends he wouldn't hurt himself. If he had been in his right mind that night, I know he would have lived for those he loved, even though he wasn't able to keep fighting for himself.

My son is dead. I would have said anything, done anything, pleaded, and not felt any guilt for anything I needed to do to keep him alive that night. I didn't get that chance, what happened was spontaneous, the decision was made in a second and he was gone. There was no threat, no discussion, no note. he was just gone in an instant.

Suicide is not selfish.... and neither is begging someone to stay alive... even if it's not for them right now.... feelings, depression, they don't have to be permanent....but suicide is.

One of the biggest reasons I share my story is so that maybe someone who is thinking of hurting themselves will see how much it will destroy people who love them, and maybe it will help them hang on until they can get help. maybe....

I also write to let people know they aren't alone, they aren't going crazy. Grief will shake your very foundation and make you doubt everything you have ever known. You will come through the storm, but you will never be the same.

Please know YOU matter! You are worth it! Depression, Mental Illness lies to you. The world would not be better without you...You deserve to be here, you deserve so much love! 
                                       I wish you all so much love and peace!!

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