Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Colors of Grief

White. White is symbolic of purity and peace. Your pure heart as delicate as the eighteen white roses we placed beside your urn. Even at your angriest moments, you reminded me you loved me and asked if I was alright. You cared deeply, maybe too deeply for this world.
White. The color of peace, the waving of the white flag. You couldn't bear another moment and you left us. The turmoil boiling inside you laid to rest. I know you are at peace. I wish I was too.

Green. Your school colors. Your green wrestling singlet. Your green state champion jacket. Your green letterman jacket for football. Your green tracksuit. Most of what I have left from you is green. Your memorial pages, all done in green. You were proud of that color, you accomplished so many goals in green. We placed a green ribbon on your memorial bouquet. Green brings images of spring, green grass, new life. A life I don't feel equipped to commence.

Red. No one knows about this color. No one would understand and I keep it secretly stuffed down inside my heart. A red pool on the carpet. No one understood why I would want to sit by that massive red stain. They washed the walls, threw away every stained article of clothing. They put new bedding on the bed. They couldn't wash away the red stain. They didn't understand that it was the last piece of you. I just wanted to sit there with the last piece of you. They used a box cutter and cut away the red piece of carpet and disposed of it. I felt robbed,  it would be absurd to keep but, I wasn't ready to let go.

Grey. The shorts you were wearing, once blue had faded to grey. I remember only grey, was your shirt grey? Grey is what I feel now. Grey is uncertainty, precariousness. Grey is emotional and yet emotionless. Grey is somewhere in the middle, stagnant. Grey feels like rainfall is imminent. Tears looming behind my eyes.

This is my life now, remembering green, holding on to red, hoping for white and living in the grey. These are the colors of my grief.

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