Saturday, June 22, 2019

10 Month Update MAJOR changes

It's been just over 10 months since Zuka passed away. Everything in life has changed. Some days I feel like I have lost everything but I still have me.

Pain changes people, changes relationships. My husband and I have chosen to take different paths in life. I wish him nothing but peace and happiness. I truly hope that for him. Healing. Peace. Happiness.

I have enrolled in my final year of college. It's been a while since I have been in school but I am so close to finishing my degree it's crazy not to go back. I have decided to sell nearly everything I own and move out of state. I will be working to finish my BS in mental health and would like to work in trauma and grief counseling.

I am closer to finishing my book but with the changes and the move to release date has been pushed back. I already have my second book in mind but one thing at a time. I took a writing class that I found very helpful in helping to get into writing some of what I am feeling. I have posted some of them on my page recently.

Our daughter is going off to college, so proud of the wonderful strong woman she has become. I admire her strength and determination so much! People often tell me I am strong, she is the strong one and though it will be painful to be away from her for a bit, I know it's her decision to stay here and go to school and I need to respect that. I am always just a phone call or a flight away.

I have been told recently not to share the pain or situations going through my life because some people like to see people in pain and will use that to delight in your unhappiness. I truly feel bad for anyone who could find pleasure in the pain of another. I have no room in my heart and mind for anyone who wishes me ill will. I can't live my life worrying about what other's think of me. I need to care for my own well-being and happiness, no matter what that looks like to anyone else. We all do.

Though there are many endings, there are also many new beginnings. There is the future, chasing my dreams and starting fresh but this time with a little more knowledge. I am a ball of emotions, excited, scared, nervous, heartbroken, hopeful.... Those who think I am so strong I am no less scared than any of you. I didn't choose any of this but I can choose to carry on. I choose to keep living and make the best damn life I can for myself, and for my daughter.

Packing Zuka's things to ship and store has been difficult. Selling items I bought to build our life hurts like hell. Every item has a memory attached, I choose to keep the happy memories and let the painful ones go. Zuka I will carry with me forever, and that's okay, I grow stronger as I continue to carry that weight.

Here is to new beginnings. 
Love, peace, and blessings to all. 

(even that bigheaded one reading this)

I miss you Always Zuka 


  1. Being strong doesn't mean you are not afraid. Strength comes from moving upward and onward in a positive direction despite the fear. In this trues meaning, you are stronger than most. Continued strength and blessings, my friend. Your journey is far from over... just heading in a new and amazing direction.

  2. ���������� Still one of the strongest people that I know. I know it isn't easy, but few could make it through. You push forward whether you're on your feet or hands and knees, clawing forward and fighting for every inch. I admire you for all that you are. You're resourcefulness and perseverance never ceases to amaze me. Biggerheaded

  3. Seems like you've just never had the support you needed. I'm not sure how you do it, I can feel the pain, it haunts me. As someone who has been suicidal twice, and has suicidal ideation often, your post really help me. I Often feel like no one would care (I know this is distorted thinking), I discounted family a long time ago mostly, but I do know one person who isn't family who doing such a thing would have a devastating effect on. This raw account of the aftermath pops in my head.

    Anyways thank you for being so transparent and strong. I know I wouldn't be able to cope if I were in your shoes.

  4. Brandon, Thank you for your honesty... this is exactly why I write...if one person can see the pain caused by suicide and it makes them think twice...keeps them alive than something positive can come from this tragedy. More than just staying alive, I hope you find happiness...keep reaching out...ask for help! I understand feeling like you want to give up, believe me. But please don't. Please stay. There are people who care, I care!