Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Ships and Free Birds

In less than two weeks I begin my new life in a new place. I go back to college and finish my mental health degree. A change of environment, new people, new places, new goals.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I lost my son, my job, my marriage, my home, my daughter is going away to college. For the first time, it will be just me. Rediscovering myself, healing and turning my life in a new direction. It's bittersweet. As brave as everyone tells me I am, I must admit I am scared. Scared is okay though, be scared and show up anyway. Right now, I am pushing the feelings aside and making decisions based on what I know is best for me, not based on feelings. Feelings can keep you trapped in places where you cease to grow.

Zuka wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to fulfill my goals. I just wish I had been able to while he was still here. Milah has been so supportive as well...Maybe being thrown from my comfort zone was the push I needed to make real changes. Not saying that I recommend that, it has been tremendously difficult but I am trying to make something positive come out of the pain.

This is no insult to anyone but I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I felt unfulfilled like something has been missing but I made commitments I respected and I stayed where I thought I belonged. Maybe I was trying to fit where I wasn't meant to be. I don't know right now, all I know is that's past....and I am looking towards the future from here on out. No looking back!

I carry you with me always Zuka.... and Jamilah, I am always a phone call away. I love you.

                        I'm a free bird...and I am ready to fly!! 

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