Thursday, August 8, 2019

it's been a year

Dear Zuka,

     On the 20th it will be a year since you left us. I still miss you every day. It took me months to start to live again. I thought life was over when you left but we have managed to survive. After nearly a year life circumstances, though difficult, have led me to be in a position to do all of the things you wanted for me. I am finishing up my degree this coming year, I am all registered and ready to begin my final year of my bachelor's and then plan on getting my masters. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my degree, I know I want to help others going through similar circumstances. I don't know if that's teens dealing with depression and suicide or families who have lost someone, I just want to use what this year has taught me....and all the things I have learned from you to prevent others from taking their lives.
     I know how much you wanted me to live my best life, part of that was getting into shape and being physically healthy, I have a plan for that too and I am working on it! I sure do miss having my "coach" here but you are always my inspiration and encouragement.
    I have changed so much kiddo, and continue to change every day, I wish you were here to see it. I want to make you proud.
     Your sister starts her freshman year of college soon. You would be so proud of her, she is strong, really strong! You said you would always be there to protect her, I know in one way or another you always will be. I love you both so much.
     Your best friend, your "brother from another mother" got a 4.0 this year. I am so proud of him, I know you would be too. They miss you and think of you fondly. It seems stories are coming with more smiles than tears these days as the grief shifts. We met up recently and shared stories of you along with laughter and a few tears too.
    You never wanted me to live a "shitty life" (as you called it) or accept anything less than the best, and I have no intention of ever doing that again kiddo. I have been surrounded by so much love and support and I finally believe in myself again, the way you believed in me. I got rid of everything but the memories and started a brand new life, figuring out what I want, finding what makes me happy.
    I used to be so afraid of lightning, as I sat outside and watched the lighting and the rain fell I realized I'm not afraid anymore. Some days I wake up in shock, feeling lost and remembering all the things I lost in the past year. Some days it's overwhelming and tries to swallow me whole but then I think of you and how proud you would be of me. I remember your smile. I know I can't give up....even on those days when it's hard to breathe. A year later there are still many days it's hard to breathe.
     We have all gone our separate ways...we all grieve in our own ways....and we all miss you so very much Zuk. I can't believe it's been a year since I heard your voice, saw you smile, watched you dance around the house. It's hard not to think if I had it all to do again what I might do differently. All those little moments I took for granted.... I would have hugged you longer....listened harder... made sure I made the most of every moment together because everything ends at some point, doesn't it... You always said "this too shall pass" and it's true...the moments passed by too fast...they slipped through my fingers and before I knew it life as I knew it ended...My hardest goodbye....

I love you Always~ Mom


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