Wednesday, April 8, 2020
If you saw me driving to the store today you probably saw me bopping my head to "gimme the beat boys free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....."
I greeted everyone at the store with a smile. Except for the lady who was super impatient with me in the produce section because apparently I take to long grabbing raspberries, she got the side eye, but you catch my drift.
I post pictures on social media, always with a crooked smile or what some have teased is a pout, (you know who you are!).
I make stupid videos on Tik Tok and Instagram that only I think are funny.
If you ask me how I'm doing I will likely say, "great thanks and yourself?" That is my go-to and use it 99% of the time.
What you don't see is what lies beneath the surface. Everything you see above is a coping mechanism. It makes me feel better for everyone to think I'm great and that I am handling everything life has thrown at me in the past two years. It's been a lot. I'm haunted by memories and dreams. I'm haunted by old pictures and items that remind me of what I have lost.
You thinking people move on....but many of us don't....or we don't admit that it's taking so much longer than you realize to be okay.
I talk to my therapist, it's one of the few places I cry....besides the shower and in my bed at night. Though it's usually in the morning after a heartbreaking dream.
You can't look a person and judge how well they are doing....it may be how well they hide how they are truly feeling.... and though I can get through more hours or more days without those super dark times, and tears...it doesn't mean it's any less heavy. It's still so much to carry.
I know I have distanced myself from people. Some unconsciously, some accidentally and a few on purpose. Sometimes I'm afraid to care about anyone new. Sometimes I'm afraid of breaking down... I've burned some bridges....some rightfully so and some I wish could be repaired, or new bridges built. Right now though, I just need to struggle and carry this weight and make it look as easy as I can because that's what makes me feel sane...
If you're hurting....please know it's ok to deal with it however you need to. Please find some place that you can reach out, whether it be therapy or someone you can trust and rely on.
I see you. I see the weight you are carrying....I know it's heavy baby! I see you! If all you did was carry that load another day, I'm so damn proud of you!!!