Friday, April 10, 2020

Life Update, Mom Dad and Sister

It's been 1 year, 7 months and 21 days since Zuka passed away.

1.6 years

19.6 months

85.6 weeks

599 days

Funny how a 19-month-old is still considered a baby, but when you are grieving people think 19 months is such a long time.

You don't spend years of your life loving someone and expect the pain to dissipate just like that.

That being said, let me give you an update into all aspects of my life.

I still miss Zuka incredibly, I still have nightmares, I still startle at loud noises and jump easily. I have PTSD related to his death,

I see a therapist to talk about my feelings and deal with my emotions. I think it's important for people to talk to a therapist if they are dealing with any kind of conflict, stress or complex emotions. There is no shame in it.

I see a psychiatrist to help with medication for PTSD nightmares, for sleep (I have insomnia) and to help with my mood, again no shame!

Zuka always wanted me to be healthy. I wondered sometimes if he was ashamed of me because of my weight but if he was he never let me know that and he wanted me to meet his friends. He never made me feel bad about being overweight but he did encourage me to be more healthy. The summer before he died he wanted to be my coach and help me lose weight, unfortunately he never got to see me reach that goal...

I have lost 200 pounds (as of this week!) Yes you read that correctly, 200 pounds. I quit smoking in August and haven't thought of going back. Life is so much easier without the added weight. I just fit in the world better and am much healthier.


I wish Zuka could see me, I bet he would be so proud of me


 (Zuka's sister) is in college in Florida working towards being a nurse practitioner, she's doing awesome in school. She is super strong and wise. She is definitely the other half of my heart!

I think Zuka would be proud of her too. 


 (Zuka's stepdad but his DAD) seems to be doing well. We are no longer together and barely in contact. Last I knew he had lost over 100 pounds!! He is still working as a corrections officer and I believe he just finished his degree also....or is about to? I'm not quite sure.

 I know he misses Zuka as well. I am saddened by the fact that he never received the same level of support that I did with Zuk's passing. He was Zuka's dad from the time he was 6 years old, he loved him and treated him as nothing less than his own son, yet he never received the same support from most people as I did.

I am in college studying Psychology and I have TWO classes left to get my bachelors degree. I am hoping to work in the areas or suicide, grief or trauma. I plan to go for my Master's when the time is right.

I think that's it, so many changes for the whole family. It's been rough but we are all surviving. You know there are things in life you think you would never survive. I'm here to tell you, YOU CAN! I'm not saying it will be easy but you will survive! 

Take care of you! Much Love!

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