Sunday, August 16, 2020

What I would say to you... 2 years later


Dear Zuka,

     I've been writing this letter to you in my head for a week straight, still, I don't know the words to say. If I could write you a letter this is what I would tell you..

Everything has changed since you left us. Life still goes on, the days pass and everything goes on but nothing will ever be the same. How can it be TWO years since I last heard your voice? God, I miss that laugh, that smile.

I'm about to graduate and hope to find a way to use my degree to help other young people thinking of suicide. I couldn't save you... maybe your story and your legacy can help keep someone else alive. That's why I go on. I can't believe you won't be here to cheer me on... your absence is ever-present.

Your sister is starting her junior year of college. She's so strong and amazing and I wish you could see her kiddo, you'd be so proud of her.

Your whole family misses you. Your cousin called you a king yesterday and it warmed my heart. Everyone loved you...everyone loves you still and we miss you more than you can imagine. 

Your stepdad and I are no longer together, but we are good, we are really good. We have both moved on with new partners and everything is at peace. I know you wanted so much for us to be all be happy and this new chapter in our lives is pretty happy. The only thing missing is you.

I need you to know I don't blame you kiddo. Not ONCE. I try every day not to blame myself... What I could have said, what I could have done. I'm not angry. Never ONCE angry with you. Angry at myself though. I'm working on it.

I remember the early days after your death. I refused to believe you were gone. I sat in your room like you were going to come home... and even now, two years later, every cell in my body cries that you can't be gone. My brain tries to make sense of your absence and I want to let myself believe you are away at college. I wish you were away at college kiddo... about to celebrate your 21st birthday and raising hell like you loved to do. 

Zukie... I don't know how life goes on without you... I don't know how I've made it through the past two years... It still hurts so damn bad going on without you... and I don't think it will ever be okay again kiddo. Zuka I miss you so much. Every day something reminds me of you and my heart aches a little every time... I'd give anything to have you back. I'd give anything to see you again, hug you, tell you I love you and tell you how very sorry I am that I couldn't save you... I'm sorry kiddo. I'm so sorry I failed you. 

I know in my heart that I will see you again one day... I have to believe that. I have to. 

I love you with all my heart Zuka. Yesterday, Today and Forever. You are loved. You are missed. 


Sunday, August 9, 2020

720 days


It's been 720 days

1 year, 11 months, 20 days

23 Months, 11 days

It's been nearly 2 years since Zuka took his life. The pain doesn't go away. It's easier to manage most days. I see a therapist, go to group therapy, see a psychiatrist, I'm not ashamed to say. I take medication and I learn to manage...not watching certain movies or listening to certain music, I know what my triggers are for the most part. Sometimes something will hit me that I didn't expect. Loud noises still startle me and sometimes certain triggers are unavoidable. 

It's hard right now. When I'm alone I'm often in tears. I am going through his things, the few items I have left of his. I watch his videos and listen to his playlist. The anniversary of his death brings me right back to that day. It's a day I will never erase from my memory, every single detail fresh in my mind. 

I have seen posts and articles saying that you should never tell a suicidal person to live for someone else. WHY? Living for someone else was the ONLY thing that kept me alive when Zuka died. 

See, I understand what it's like to be a suicide loss survivor. I know how much it changed me, I saw his friends and family deeply in pain and forever change. 

You will never hear me say someone who dies by suicide is selfish, I don't believe that at all. When a person is suicidal they often believe that people around them would be better off without them. They feel like a burden. If I tell people about the pain of losing someone to suicide it's not for sympathy. I don't need sympathy, I need you to understand that if you take your life, you will DESTROY those who love you.

If you can't live for yourself right now, live for the people who love you. I know it feels like no one cares, I know it feels like they would be better off without you...I have felt that too!

STAY. Stay alive. 

Things can and will get better. Your feelings are temporary but death is forever. 

I encourage anyone who is struggling to call for help if you are contemplating suicide. Call the suicide hotline, go to an ER or a crisis unit. Do whatever you need to do to stay alive.

If you are depressed please seek help. Talk to your doctor, seek out therapy, talk to someone you trust. If you are a teen please talk to your parents, school counselor, doctor, or a trusted adult. 

Parents pleaseeee take you child's cry for help seriously. It's better to overreact than to mourn the loss of your child!!

There is no shame in seeking help. 

There is no shame in counseling. There is no shame in struggling with mental health. Depression is often a chemical imbalance and it CAN be managed with counseling, medication, or other treatments. 



Please don't put your loved ones through this kind of pain...looking through your pictures and boxes of your stuff. Counting the days since your death. 

You can be happy again, or happy for the first time. There's a wide world out there. The pain won't last forever... THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Be well... Take care of you!

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide