Sunday, August 9, 2020

720 days


It's been 720 days

1 year, 11 months, 20 days

23 Months, 11 days

It's been nearly 2 years since Zuka took his life. The pain doesn't go away. It's easier to manage most days. I see a therapist, go to group therapy, see a psychiatrist, I'm not ashamed to say. I take medication and I learn to manage...not watching certain movies or listening to certain music, I know what my triggers are for the most part. Sometimes something will hit me that I didn't expect. Loud noises still startle me and sometimes certain triggers are unavoidable. 

It's hard right now. When I'm alone I'm often in tears. I am going through his things, the few items I have left of his. I watch his videos and listen to his playlist. The anniversary of his death brings me right back to that day. It's a day I will never erase from my memory, every single detail fresh in my mind. 

I have seen posts and articles saying that you should never tell a suicidal person to live for someone else. WHY? Living for someone else was the ONLY thing that kept me alive when Zuka died. 

See, I understand what it's like to be a suicide loss survivor. I know how much it changed me, I saw his friends and family deeply in pain and forever change. 

You will never hear me say someone who dies by suicide is selfish, I don't believe that at all. When a person is suicidal they often believe that people around them would be better off without them. They feel like a burden. If I tell people about the pain of losing someone to suicide it's not for sympathy. I don't need sympathy, I need you to understand that if you take your life, you will DESTROY those who love you.

If you can't live for yourself right now, live for the people who love you. I know it feels like no one cares, I know it feels like they would be better off without you...I have felt that too!

STAY. Stay alive. 

Things can and will get better. Your feelings are temporary but death is forever. 

I encourage anyone who is struggling to call for help if you are contemplating suicide. Call the suicide hotline, go to an ER or a crisis unit. Do whatever you need to do to stay alive.

If you are depressed please seek help. Talk to your doctor, seek out therapy, talk to someone you trust. If you are a teen please talk to your parents, school counselor, doctor, or a trusted adult. 

Parents pleaseeee take you child's cry for help seriously. It's better to overreact than to mourn the loss of your child!!

There is no shame in seeking help. 

There is no shame in counseling. There is no shame in struggling with mental health. Depression is often a chemical imbalance and it CAN be managed with counseling, medication, or other treatments. 



Please don't put your loved ones through this kind of pain...looking through your pictures and boxes of your stuff. Counting the days since your death. 

You can be happy again, or happy for the first time. There's a wide world out there. The pain won't last forever... THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Be well... Take care of you!

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

1 comment:

  1. 💙💔 I will always feel like there was something I could have done to save him. Was a way to spare you from your world shattering.