Sunday, August 16, 2020

What I would say to you... 2 years later


Dear Zuka,

     I've been writing this letter to you in my head for a week straight, still, I don't know the words to say. If I could write you a letter this is what I would tell you..

Everything has changed since you left us. Life still goes on, the days pass and everything goes on but nothing will ever be the same. How can it be TWO years since I last heard your voice? God, I miss that laugh, that smile.

I'm about to graduate and hope to find a way to use my degree to help other young people thinking of suicide. I couldn't save you... maybe your story and your legacy can help keep someone else alive. That's why I go on. I can't believe you won't be here to cheer me on... your absence is ever-present.

Your sister is starting her junior year of college. She's so strong and amazing and I wish you could see her kiddo, you'd be so proud of her.

Your whole family misses you. Your cousin called you a king yesterday and it warmed my heart. Everyone loved you...everyone loves you still and we miss you more than you can imagine. 

Your stepdad and I are no longer together, but we are good, we are really good. We have both moved on with new partners and everything is at peace. I know you wanted so much for us to be all be happy and this new chapter in our lives is pretty happy. The only thing missing is you.

I need you to know I don't blame you kiddo. Not ONCE. I try every day not to blame myself... What I could have said, what I could have done. I'm not angry. Never ONCE angry with you. Angry at myself though. I'm working on it.

I remember the early days after your death. I refused to believe you were gone. I sat in your room like you were going to come home... and even now, two years later, every cell in my body cries that you can't be gone. My brain tries to make sense of your absence and I want to let myself believe you are away at college. I wish you were away at college kiddo... about to celebrate your 21st birthday and raising hell like you loved to do. 

Zukie... I don't know how life goes on without you... I don't know how I've made it through the past two years... It still hurts so damn bad going on without you... and I don't think it will ever be okay again kiddo. Zuka I miss you so much. Every day something reminds me of you and my heart aches a little every time... I'd give anything to have you back. I'd give anything to see you again, hug you, tell you I love you and tell you how very sorry I am that I couldn't save you... I'm sorry kiddo. I'm so sorry I failed you. 

I know in my heart that I will see you again one day... I have to believe that. I have to. 

I love you with all my heart Zuka. Yesterday, Today and Forever. You are loved. You are missed. 


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